A Change

Hello.
I moved.

Just like how I'm moving house this year.
This blogger name,the one 10cm North from this post,makes me want to slap myself. Very very violently.
Like how a mom slaps her teenage daughter for wearing black lacy bra.

http://www.ordeanna.blogspot.com/

If you do pop by here,pop by there instead.

It's The New Year.....Again.

I couldn't comprehend the sense of delight when I held my pink IC with both hands and kissed it for multiple times. I love it to death. The sense of happiness,I don't know how to describe it in English.
Okay,one word: Yay.
I've woken up from the nightmare.
I know I'm now in reality,the cruel world,the fast-paced,multi-faceted society,but at least now I'm doing things for myself. The air smelt fresher,the sun came up glowing at me welcoming me back to the colourful universe.

Chinese New Year is here again.
I remember as a kid I always love it so much. My favourite holiday.
The reunion dinner is always such a tight-knit affair with lots of laughs and food and pleasantries.
I will not want to sleep on the Eve to shou ye and watch tv and munch on snacks and pass out full.
And I will drag my tired body to wake up early to say Happy New Year to everybody.
Of course,the money at the time relative to my own adolescent age was a lot and I was always consumed by greed wanting my Mom to give me more percentage of the pie to spend than to save. What was I thinking?
The sun always shines brighter on CNY. I don't know why. It's a special day.
And the casual gambling here and there and gawking at the supposed huge amounts of money placed on the bet was fun to me.

Almost all grown up now and I feel it's becoming saturated to me. Where's the lustre?
I kinda can't capture its magic at all.
The passing of my grandmother years ago didn't help matters.
It seems like the essence is gone. The root of it all. The foundation.
I can sense it in everyone. It's an open secret.
It's just like another holiday now.

The red packets,the songs,the snacks,the random chatter,
It's all becoming so material to me.
Some moments,it felt like a pain in the ass.

I still enjoyed the occasion,but not as much.
I feel bored and heavy. And painful,with the swollen jaw.
Especially at this transitory stage of my life,it felt like it came too early.

I hope I can feel the childish lustre of it again.
This is where the kid in me comes into play.
I feel like he's hiding. Hiding from me.

45 mins more to CNY.
Happy Chinese New Year!

Well,at least now I'm celebrating it free and happy,that's a consolation.

First Ever

Like what Neil Armstrong first commented when he took his first step on the moon.
"That's one small step for [a] man, one giant leap for mankind."

This is pretty similar.
After days of swallowing food and eating liquid stuffs like yoghurt,porridge and ice cream,
I plucked out my utmost courage.
I breathed in deep,
Opened the cupboard,
Took out a packet of Twisties' Chickadee.

With that intense look similar to,say,George Clooney [haha],I opened it.
First capsule of Chickadee.
That moment was so significant.

As I slipped the Chickadee capsule into my mouth slowly and delicately,
I felt my saliva caress it like a little baby.

Then I sent it to the gallows. Which is under repair.
I munch with slow precision.
It worked.

I finished the whole packet.

"That's one small bite of food, one giant leap for weight."

Can't Talk,Can't Run,Can't Eat,Can't Laugh

This morning,I went to remove my wisdom tooth. 2 of them. A bloody surgical procedure.
[Note: bloody]
I went this morning with nothing to expect.
I like to do a lot of questioning to people who have done that thing before I do it.
So I know what to expect.

The word "Courage" kept lingering in my mind as I walked into the clinic and waited. Seriously. Not faking. It kept lingering non-stop.
I hated going to the dentist since I was a child.

The word "Courage" was thrown out of the window the moment I stepped into the surgical room.
I was literally so fucking scared. I forgot that word immediately.
I'm a fucking pussy at that point of time.
My heart was beating in speed pulses.
"Courage" out. "Pain" in.

The dentist injected local anaesthetic into my gum. Straight through to the bone.
I guess that was the most painful part of the procedure. It felt strange.
In the movies,when a person experienced pain,they will grip tight on cloth and stuff.
I actually did that!
Faggot.

The surgery was like,I-know-what-you're-doing-but-I-can't-feel-it.
I know he cut open my gum with a scalpel. Felt cold with the blade.
Then he use a drill to drill the teeth into pieces. It was fucking violent.
I was like a prisoner in a detention camp. He kept press press press very violently.
I know there's a lot of blood. Cause they keep using the suction stuff.
Then he tell me "I'm gonna break your teeth into two now,ok?"
I responded with a lion's heart:"Ok." when I actually felt a drop of pee in my pants.

That part was the only time I felt a little something.
The drilling was so deep.
I could feel strain in my jaw.
Damn. That would have hurt like crazy.

Then came the never-ending flow of cotton gauze. Go in white,come out red. 3 or 4 times.
My life seems to be over then.

After a few admin stuffs,I was free to go.
With two thick cotton gauze at the back of my mouth,I hailed a cab.
Not able to talk,I murmured a very similar word to "kembangan".
He understood. Genius dude.

Gross part.
I was tilting my head up all the way due to the overflowing saliva I accmulated from not being able to close my mouth.
Time to pay money.
The driver seemed to be afraid to look at me.
Then I knew why.
A long line of saliva,red in colour,had hanged all the way from my mouth into my mini bag.
It was so sticky I can't get rid of it using tissue.
I passed the 20 bucks to the driver with my saliva-laden hands.
He scared to touch. He take already put at the passenger seat in front. Haha.
Moment of sheer embarassment.

Now I'm so swollen at the mouth.
The pain is okay to me. Quite irritating. But mild.
I don't dare to even move mouth.
Had a conversation with Damien on MSN that made me want to laugh.
And I can't!
My mouth was in the same shape then squeaks keep coming out of my mouth.

Now I can't eat,can't talk,can't laugh,
Can't run.
Shit.
I want to run! My chain is broken.

So sore.

Bloated

I always have this tendency to eat a lot after running.
It's not hunger.
It's a fear I would have no energy tomorrow.

Flu overcame me,but I was too bored.

I ran along Katong today in a super short jogging shorts and a super long T-shirt.
I think I look like Tata Young.
Nobody looked at me.
She's not popular.

The sights and sounds always had a calming effect on me.
Always overestimated myself.
It's the scenery that made me slow down and revel in its beauty.

I was infuriated over something lately.
I don't like working for people who don't deserve it.
I don't mind slogging my ass out for people whom I respect.
It's so important to be a credible leader.
A person who motivates and sets a good example,
A person who rewards dutifully to the people working under him,
A person who raises the morale of the people by putting in as much effort,
A person who is cultured and doesn't get angry over the most minor things.
A person who is honest and has integrity and pride.
My observations led to this. Cause that lazy bastard is totally not these.

Being a leader is very easy.
It's so easy to a point anybody can be one.
A leader among leaders is the difficult part.
The only great leader I knew in my life is my secondary school canoeing coach.
You know he's a great leader because when you look back,you remember the compassion and the spirit and motivation that burst through his veins to the people who wants to work hard for him.
He need not be a charismatic person,but the values and principles must be rock solid to a point you abandon your own to adopt his temporarily to make things work.

Now,it's not the case.
I won't work for a lazy bastard.
I will be MORE lazy.
I don't give a fuck.
I'm working for myself. I'm selfish.
Cause lazy bastards don't deserve it.
They deserve to be random. They deserve to be barbaric.
Playing computer games while we die in the sun,clap clap,the best leader.
Getting angry when we felt we've done enough and don't wanna do no more,clap clap,great leader.

I sometimes became a person I'm not and judge people.
I really hate it.
But it's so fucking difficult to not judge.
Some people are so fucking lowly and treat people as slaves and whores they can utilise.
I'm not a whore thank you. Don't fuck me.

And they can lie through their teeth.
An example.
Suppose a game whereby every participant have to eat two pieces of cakes.
Me and my five friends are in the game too. So is Lazy Bastard.
But eating two cakes is too much for some people.
I ate two cakes though and I caught Lazy Bastard eating one cake.
My five friends ate one cake,they can't eat anymore.
But it's violating the rules if you eat one cake.
Lazy Bastard scolded my 5 friends for eating one cake,
When he fucking ate one cake and I caught him.
He's fucking lying through his teeth.
How can things work like that.
He can still be smug and threaten my 5 friends over eating one cake.
The cheek to do that makes me disgusted.

I can't believe this world.
It makes me feel sad.
So I should run more and eat more.

Along The Route I Ran

I promise to run on Friday nights.

But thing is,I didn't run due to the demons inside of me pinning me down on my bed and shining crimson light upon my eyes to make me shut them and sleep.


I felt bad the moment I woke up,I promised myself I will run today.
Consumed by agony,I decided to run the route which made me fear it so much that I never ran it for 3 years.

The route is plain simple.
Starting from my house,I ran straight through Frankel Ave to Siglap.
Bypassing Starbucks and Chai Chee Sec,I would reach the best secondary school in Singapore without nerds and smelly armpits,Temasek Secondary School.
Then I would run straight to the junction at Tanah Merah MRT station.
Turn left and run to Bedok MRT and back to Kembangan MRT then back home.

3 years ago,the amount of exhaustion and dehydration and lactic acid build up is so much that I vividly remember the experience till now.

My body was leaning so forward and I was sweating buckets.
My legs were hardly lifted and every step is a chore.
I felt my shoulders muscles numbing themselves and it humbled me.

But I was confident today.
I felt my upper body was much lighter than it was 3 years ago,due to 2 years of hardly hitting the gym and running more regularly and only doing static body resistance exercises.

The start was pretty discouraging.
The trail was so uneven,cars were whizzing past me and fat schoolgirls were thinking I would molest them.
It affected my rythm and I feel like brushing the girls away. But their indomitable size kept a lid on my intention.

Siglap came and everything became consistent.
My pace was fine and I can run at the same pace.
That was the place where I overestimated last time. I thought TMS was near,so I quickened myself and ended up a bloody cunt.
This time,I didn't care about the distance. I cared about the comfort. I needed comfort to last.
I was very comforted yea.

Running past all the privated estates along the routes,I used a single mindset to motivate myself.
A rather mythical one.
I imagined that rich beautiful girls are looking at me through their bedroom window and upon
seeing me,they would change into their running gear and run with me.
So I would run with standard form and disciplined breathing patterns.
Then I would end up a gigolo.
But it never happened.

TMS came and I was hit by nostalgia.
It's been years since I left.
This school changed me a lot.
Seeing the kids at the bus stop opposite the school reminded me of the times when I would wait for 10 or 14 or 229 in the scorching sun and I would sweat like a pig under the white uniform and
I would squeeze with fellow imbeciles for a place in air-con buses.
229 always no air-con. Bitch.
Ahh. Time waits for no man.

Afterwards,it was very gradual. I didn't want to waste so much energy.
I keep riding on the form and used the "two-steps-breathe-in-two-steps-breathe-out" method.
It's useful. I remembered it was a temporary PE teacher who taught me that.

Reaching Tanah Merah MRT was where the nothingness came.
This nothingness feeling comes when your mind is empty and you can't feel your body anymore.
Your legs on auto-pilot,free against the wind.
It feels fantastic.

After Bedok came a 250m steep upward slope.
It was difficult,I hate running slopes.

By the time I reach Kembangan,I felt no lethargy.

It was crazy. I think I'm crazy. But I finished it and I felt immense satisfaction.

It's like a thug punching you in the face repeatedly and you get up again and again and his knuckles break eventually.

THEN

I went to buy Chickadee and Chipster Potato Chips,which I will consume with pride later.

Dinner I ate Pork Chop w/egg,Satay,Rojak,Fishball,Soya Bean Grass Jelly.

I suck,but life rocks,so does running!

100% Efficiency

It's just like a marathon,when the end is near,it gets more daunting.

I haven't made any resolutions yet/at all. I'm afraid I might break them.
Then they would not be worth a dime in the first place.

Running is a drug.
You will be reluctant to start,but once you get hooked,you just want to run faster and faster.
It's always the same case of motivation.
Girl in JC shirt with hot legs. Overtake.
Uncle with hairy belly. Overtake.
StanChart Marathon singlet-wearing FakeFatFucks. Overtake.

I'm not considered a runner. My form is bad,I'm inconsistent,I don't diet and I don't dedicate my life to it.
I even don't run for months on end.
But I always fall in love with it again and again.

I always try to make a commitment to run consistently.
But I always break it. That's what disappoints me.

So,yes,I ran today,against the wind,it forced my eyes shut.
But without a care in the world,I tried to break its hold on me.
The feeling is so marvellous.

When you finish running,you always feel you're like Kate Moss with those puny boobs.
So you can fucking eat any cow or dinosaur.
But I didn't eat those.
I ended up eating Pork Mee Swa,Kway Chap,Ngoh Hiang,Satay and Honeydew Sago.
Stack them up,it may be as tall as a dinosaur.

Now I ask,why the fuck did I run.
I should have not ate,not ran and slept at home in the first place.
I'm 100% efficient.
I purged out calories,I pumped in the same amount.
But I didn't regret it.
That's why I'm not a runner.
I feel no guilt towards gastronomic pleasures.

Haha,talking about it,I feel so damn happy when I makan those stuffs.
It's like a reward for your hard work trying to chase after that hot legs girl.

Oh yea,life's good.
My morale is up again.
February February give me comfort.